2003-05-08 - Spring Orgo Night
Butler Library Reading Room, 11:59pm
[march in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite a two dollar subway fare, it's the most cum-splattering dot com band in the world, the Columbia University Marching I'll see YOU (points to some becoming lass standing nearby) backstage in forty minutes!
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. SARS - fucking over Beijing
J. Smoking In Bars - fucking over
and (looking at aforementioned lass)
J. You And Me Baby - (pelvic gyrations) fucking over and over
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring Columbia's reputation going up, Barnard's reputation...also going up, and God knows there's gonna be some smart-ass illegitimate children runnin' 'round campus if this keeps up, the band now presents its 37th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[play Who Owns New York]
ALTERNATE: {Having to do the alternate sucked. We're not doing it. Sorry, Alma.}
[don't play Who Owns New York, because sometimes tradition merely brings needless pain]
In what has to be the single most exciting thing to happen to Columbia since the founding of Barnard, a living legend of the basketball world expressed an interest in coaching Columbia's men's basketball team. Unless you were living under a rock all spring, you could not have missed feeling the excitement and anticipation at the possibility of having our team run by the GREAT, the WORLD-FAMOUS, the LEGENDARY Joe Jones. His career highlights include an assistant coaching position at Villanova and being the Yale coach's brother. I heard some other guy tried out too. Oh man, what was his name? You know, the, um, NBA's top lifetime scorer... {a shill in the crowd shouts out, "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!"} Oh, right. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Nice guy, but who's ever heard of HIS brother? Despite the pain of rejection, Kareem still wanted to help out at least one group of losers on campus, so he signed on with next year's L&R staff, because the qualifications for that are pretty fucking low. Besides, Kareem is a natural for the job: Much as Kareem has no experience coaching basketball, L&R teachers have no experience speaking English. Unfortunately for Kareem, however, L&R has been replaced next year with a new course that will better prepare incoming freshman for the rigors of Columbia life: V1002 {orgasmic pronunciation of those "0"s please} Barnard Anatomy. And now, because it wouldn't be Orgo Night without it, the Marching Band plays, for the 17th consecutive time, "Livin' On A Prayer."
[play Prayer]
With L&R out of the question, but still desperate to be connected with Columbia, Kareem signed up to become a founding father of the resurrected Beta frat. Unaware of the new, upstanding fraternity Beta has become, he later expressed frustration at the "lack of hoes and blow." Fortunately, there should be plenty of crack hidden away in the dry wall to keep him going until Beta can get back in touch with their old dealer. But we in the Columbia University Marching Band don't want to make life any harder for Beta than it already is. Having to pretend to be men of principle is bad enough, but coping with the impossibility of a dry house is something even the Marching Band won't make fun of. And worst of all, imagine Beta's distress at returning to Columbia only to discover the Night has been Taken Back from them! In a gesture of solidarity, the Columbia University Marching Band will now play Beta's old theme song, "I Wanna Be Se-Date Raped."
[play I Wanna Be Sedated]
So... was Mogadishu really that bad?
With thousands of Columbia undergrads rushing to their dictionaries to find out what the fuck a "mogadishu" is, the Columbia University Marching Band has to ask if it even matters. Fuck the casualties, a million more Mogadishus means a million more awesome movies by Ridley Scott. That's clearly what de Genova meant. You'll notice that he pointedly didn't ask for a million more Pearl Harbors, because that movie sucked. But clearly some folk are more perturbed by this than the Marching Band, which is used to seeing our boys in uniform getting slaughtered on the field. But though this public outcry has destroyed de Genova's chance at tenure in the anthropology department, his employment prospects at Columbia are only looking up. Salivating in the wings, Middle Eastern Studies is desperate to hire the inflammatory professor. Indeed, Professor Hamid Dabashi is more outraged than anyone over de Genova's persecution. Speaking to reporters he condemned the attack: "Hey, persecute me again." But Professor Dabashi is not alone in his defense of Nicky D. Current students of de Genova have opted to turn in their final papers in obnoxious poster form. And the worst part of the entire mess is what the Jesus Holy Hell is the Marching Band supposed to do when the fucking professors are being more scandolous than we are? In the hope that de Genova will be able to turn in final grades before getting shot, the Marching Band now plays "He Might Survive."
[play I Will Survive]
But as dramatic as all this war protest counter protest counter counter protest counter counter counter protest business has been, frankly, most students don't give a shit. Forties on the step day this year was better attended than any of the rallies! Serendipitously coinciding with student elections, senior drink day managed to boost voter turnout to a record 8 and a half percent. Let's have a hand for our less-than-sober seniors. Cuz after all, in one week, you're not gonna be seniors any longer; you're gonna be unemployed. But no doubt your drunken suffrage has left the future of student government in capable hands. Consider: for the first time in like a bajillion years, Novi is not going to be at the helm. The new executive board president, especially, is worried about the transition. In a frantic consultation with Dean Colombo it was decided that while Novi The Second--or as we like to call him, "Dubya"--would not be required to shave his head, he would be required to clog up everyone's inboxes with peppy-as-all-hell e-mails about exciting opportunities to take surveys about this fabulous Columbia community. No longer are we going to see messages from Michael John Novielli and frontslash or frontslash not backslash quote Novi backslash end-quote. Now it's just going to be plain old NOT Novi. In a salute to our stalwart lame duck, CUMB now shall immortalize this Man of Iron in song.
[play Iron Man]
And now for tonight's edition of where are they now. Having spent the last ten years of his life making Columbia a better place for you and me, it seems former president George Albuquerque Rupp will continue his fine humanitarian work in war-torn Iraq. And certainly Iraq is in dire need of aid: Just weeks ago the National Museum was looted as citizens exercised their newfound democratic freedom to take whatever the fuck they want. Hmm. Couldn't you use a few more books? {scriptreader gestures widely to the many books in the room}. God knows the ROTC isn't here to stop you. But surely noone in THIS room is depraved enough to loot the massive cultural reservoir that is Butler Library. And while we're on the subject of storied Columbia buildings, maybe we can hope for a regime change in Lerner too, since the student election fiasco clearly shows it's anti-democratic, totalitarian, and evil, not to mention slanted. For Christ's sake, we go indoors to escape inclines, not to find more! So let's take a hint from the United States Government: bomb the place to shreds and rebuild it according to superior cultural standards after it's been pacified. {In absolute deadpan:} And while we're at it, let's blow the arms off some neighborhood children as well. As the head of the International Rescue Committee, Rupp will ensure the viability of water and sanitation services in the rebuilding country. The Columbia University Marching Band agrees: Drinking is important. And if you can drink, you better also have the infrastructure in place to be able to be hungover with true American dignity as well. And if anyone can make sure that Iraqi toilets are clean enough to puke into, that man is George Rupp. And now, because we want to, the Marching Band now plays the old Iraqi anthem for the last time in this world ever, a cheerily upbeat tune called "Land of Two Rivers."
[play Land of Two Rivers]
But George Rupp and his troubled liver are old news here at up-to-the-minute-with-it Columbia U in the Cizzy of New Y, and unless your name is Fyodor Dostoevsky, there ain't no sense beating a dead horse. Therefore, let us turn our eyes towards Rupp's successor, Lee C. "tear 'em up" Bollinger and the dark and turbulent world of affirmative action. Lee C--the "C" stands for "Cool"--with his dashing good looks and floating blond locks,unquestionably could have rested on easy street in the bleached white world of Hollywood surfing movies, but instead our man has dedicated his life to the pursuit of higher principles such as free speech and hot interracial gangbangs. Affirmative action is certainly the wave of the future here at Columbia. Rumor has it that next year snow will be banned on campus unless the gods of weather consent to equal time for previously under-represented precipitations. Like blood and frogs. And speaking of Exodus from the Lit Hum syllabus, even Jane Austen is being expelled from the core curriculum, on account of the prejudiced title of her prideful book. Indeed, affirmative action has come so far in the past several years that Columbia Concerts was pleased to announce for this year's Bacchanal their token WHITE non-rapper. Even the Columbia Daily Spectator is now in color. But really, what is the worth of Bollinger's achievements in the face of the miracles Rupp is working for millions in Iraq? George Rupp is rebuilding a country; Lee Bollinger can't even finish his own home improvement projects. This guy has been renovating his house for two years now--what the hell is he putting in there? The Marching Band can't help but speculate: An extra bedroom, perhaps, for hot'n'heavy Barnard President Judith Schapiro? In honor of the white private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks, the Columbia University Marching Band now plays the theme from Shaft.
[play Theme From Shaft]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
First, SGA, or Silicon doped with Germanium and Arsenic is a semi-conductor, whereas SGA, or Barnard's Student Government Association, is a semi-organization filled with doped-up STD-conductors.
Second, always remember, boys and girls, handling acids in the lab requires supervision, whereas handling acid in your dorm room will give you super vision.
And finally, Under Baldwin's rules, the pathways of the imbedded biradicals of six to nine membered rings can be predicted with certainty. Under Barnard's roofs, it's certainly predictable that in bed, you don't need a ring to get your member into a threesome with some radical bi 69ers.
Well, that's all for tonight. Goodnight kids. Try not to loot any bookshelves on the way out. in one last attempt to nail that chick: And you: extension 3-7934. Call me.
[march out to Raw]